Facing the Past for a Better Tomorrow

There are a few things I will mention. The things that hurt me the most throughout my life. I know this isn't really the choice reading material, but to me i feel it is helping me in my own way to write about it. I know it sounds silly but I also know it will help me.

First-I grew up with a mother and step father who wasn't loving towards me. I never heard my parents say to me they love me, don't recall any hugs either. Of course all little children need to hear " I love you" from mommy and daddy. My mother admits she hated herself for not having an abortion when she was pregnant with me. She is no longer in my life because according to her she is embarrassed to have me as a daughter. Who knows what goes through this woman's mind but I believe God could do her some good. It hurts to have parents who openly admit they don't love you or want you.

Second- This is probably the hardest of all to talk about. Only a few people know because for years I blamed myself, and thought it was my fault. I know now it isn't and never was my fault. I was the victim of rape when I was 18. My worst nightmare came to life. I was raped by two males. I will spare details because mentioning them wont do any good. I became pregnant as a result but later miscarried. I am glad that I can finally talk about this, its good not to keep things bottled up for to long. This trauma caused me to begin the sleepless nights that only grew through the years.

Third- The biological father of my children severely abused me. After a few months of dating him, the abuse became a normal daily thing in my life. I miscarried, and I lost my son`s twin from the hand of this man. Several times I thought I would die but God had other plans for me. So after 6 years of suffering from his hand I decided to run. I did. I took my children, a few belongings and drove til I reached Alabama. Never looked back.

Four- The guy I dated for 5 years after the previous was a cheater, and a controlling man who had alot of anger issues. Although I stayed, I never really understood why, but I stayed. I always turned my head, looked the other way, and pretended that it wasn't happening. The controlling ways and his hurtful words was probably the worst. I had been put down my whole life by the family that was supposed to love me, and now by him. Back then the words really cut very deeply. I never quite got over any of this...............

Facing the Past for a Better Tomorrow- I am learning to forgive. God wants us to forgive. To praise him in all things good and bad. Because I have been done wrong and hurt by those people, I will no longer be negative and bitter, my attitude from now on will be....."They just did me a favor. They just qualified me for double. And I believe my time is coming. I will come out with twice the joy, twice the peace, twice the victory. " I will not be defeated! It may look impossible but I know God can do the impossible. They may have treated me wrong. I'm not worried. I know God is my vindicator. It may be taking a long time, but in due time I will reap my reward if I just don't give up. God can get me through anything I ask of him, maybe not on my terms but surly on his. He is a great God and I am proud to say that i will follow him and love him and I will praise him! My time is coming, my time to shine, my time to finally forgive all those i am needing to. My past will not define who I am, I will define who I am, and I choose not to be the girl who had a hurtful past. I choose to be the woman who has a beautiful heart and a promising tomorrow ahead of her.

***Update*** I proudly can say I didn't have an after dinner cigarette. Yay me! Life is easier and things just flow so much more smoothly when you are positive and forget about the negatives. So until tomorrow God Bless you all and may you find love peace and happiness. :) ♥